Where Do You Work?

Where Do You Work?

“Mr. Mark, where do you work?” It's a question I've heard a few times from the kids with whom Debbie and I have worked. One of the kids wanted to know this recently here at the Youth Center. You know, I've never needed to answer a question like this from an adult who knows about the MYC Club ministry or from the parents of our kids. As a matter of fact, a couple of our former foster kids, who now have kids of their own, have bravely asked, “Was I that bad when I was a kid?” (The answer is yes, and that they are getting their “paybacks”).
Apparently, at least some of the kids in Club cannot imagine that spending time with them here or on outside events could possibly qualify as work. Maybe I am enjoying myself too much. They don't see that since I spend my time here or with them, that this must be my work. The way I interpret this question, though, is to be glad that at least some of the kids understand that we enjoy what we do and enjoy being with them. It must show in how we treat them and how we act around them. We want them to feel accepted and loved, to know that we are glad they are here and like to be with them. After all, building relationships is the key to our ministry and it is hard to build a relationship if you are doing something you don't like with someone you don't like.
Of course, some of our times in Club are fun: like the kids, I like playing in the gym, going to camp or ballgames or canoeing, and I like eating snacks. I like having the power to decide to play a game of dodgeball when the boys have too much energy or are trash talking. Also of course, much of what I do can't really be called fun. It isn't fun to clean up messes, break up arguments, listen to whining, do paperwork, or to stay within a budget. It's the opposite of fun to tell a parent that their child will have to be on our waiting list or to see someone you care about make stupid choices that will cause pain to themselves and others. All in all, though, I like what I do and I'm glad that it shows.
When I talk to the high school students in our Youth Enterprises job program, I teach them that to enjoy lasting happiness and fulfillment, it is more important to choose a career you like than to make a job choice based upon how much money it pays. I would also like our kids to see that we can trust God to prepare a ministry for each of us that we enjoy, whether or not it is actually our “job.”

Who Do You Trust?

"Will you open up a bank account with me?" "Will you put your name on my bank account?" Three of the high school boys in MYC Club have asked me these questions. They have all been in MYC Club, our Youth Enterprises business for kids, and our small Boy Scout troop. I didn't even need to ask why they were coming to me to help them with their banking, but they told me anyway. These boys needed an adult's name on their bank account but didn't want to ask a parent. This is because they each knew that they couldn't trust their own parents with access to the money these boys had earned working at Youth Enterprises. They were afraid that mom or dad would get the money out of the bank for themselves and leave them with nothing. Some of the kids who had lived with us at the New Life Youth Home had felt and expressed the same thing.

So, again, my name is on a few savings accounts. (Not checking accounts; I may be crazy but I'm not stupid!) I don't mind doing this for the boys, but I do mind needing to do it just because kids can't trust parents. It is a scary thing to know that your parents are so selfish and immature that they will put their own desires for cigarettes or alcohol or whatever else over what you need or have earned. The consequenses of this self-centered style of "parenting" can be long-lasting and far-reaching. If you can't trust your own parents to be honest or to practice self control or to think of the needs of those for whom they are supposed to be responsible, it is very hard to trust other people or even to trust God. It doesn't even stop there; it could affect future relationships for these boys, such as with a wife or kids. The unwilingness to resist temptation or delay gratification even at the expense of others by someone who is supposed to nuture you and set an example for you can be a hard legacy to overcome.

In my experience with kids, seeing parents who use their kids to meet the needs of the parents is one of the most disgusting acts of arrogance I have encountered. It's a lot like having a government leader who believes you are there to meet his needs, instead of the government protecting and meeting the needs of the people, and so then takes whatever it wants from the people in order to do what he wants. (Wait a minute! Isn't that happening a lot around here lately?) The disgust, disrespect, and distrust we feel toward our government when it takes our money for thing we don't need must be a lot like how these kids feel toward their parents. Unfortunately, you can't vote your parents out of office!

Will You Take Me Home and Adopt Me?

Will You Take Me Home and Adopt Me?
It was time to take the kids home from High School Club. She said, “Mr. Mark, I don't want you to take me to my dad's house! I want you and Ms. Debbie to take me home and adopt me!”
Assuming she was kidding, I answered, “You wouldn't like my rules and you'd miss your brothers!” Her response was, “I'm serious! My dad never does anything for me and my step mom is mean!”
This is not an extremely unusual or even a very surprising conversation to have with one of our club kids or, in the past, with one of our foster kids. Debbie and I have, of course, adopted our daughters, had custody of another girl, and have considered and discussed adoption with a couple of others. Others on staff here at the Mission Youth Center or at camp have had similar questions from some of the kids with whom they have built relationships. At this time, one of our club members who was abandoned by his parents is living with one of the members of our MYC staff. During our 19 years of living with teenagers at the group home, over a dozen kids had brought up the subject.
Why do our kids have these thoughts and bring up this idea? It isn't because any of us are rich, and Debbie and I have firm rules. We don't spoil our kids. (Well, maybe we spoil our grandkids a little with time and affection.) It's probably natural for kids to fantasize at some time or another that there are “greener pastures” somewhere with another family. However, in talking to these kids, it is clear that there is often something deeper going on than being mad about getting grounded or not getting the latest cell phone. These kids see the love for each other shared by the married couples who minister at MYC. They see our love for our families and our commitment to each other. They see that we trust each other and that they can trust us. They see that real love is unconditional, that real love is a choice and not just a feeling, and that real men take care of their kids. They see parents who sacrifice for their kids. Unfortunately, the reality is that very few of our kids see much of the kind of parenting taught in the Bible in their own families or in their community. We are glad for the opportunity to show love to these kids and hope that our example will encourage them to break the cycle of unmarried parents and single parents in their generation.
I'm issuing this challenge to all parents: Your kids need BOTH of you!

Revealing a Myth About Neglected Kids

The following is an excerpt from Chapter 2 of Mark's book, "Front Line Observer."

"Abused or neglected kids do NOT grow up fast. There is a common but destructive myth that says such kids grow up fast. Those of us who work or live with these kids know otherwise. Experiencing something that you should never have to experience, or that should come at a more mature stage is life does not produce maturity. Having adult responsibilities forced upon you too early does not make you into an adult. Instead, abused or neglected kids have teenage traits taken to the extreme as teens, or they still retain the traits of a younger child. The truth is that kids who do not have all of their needs met during each stage of their lives do not skip or grow our of these stages. Instead, these kids get emotionally stuck in these stages until these needs of each stage are met. These needs include a nurturing relationship with a mom AND a dad.

In particular, it has been made clear to us that the effect of a dad being gone, either through divorce or some other means, is usually the major factor affecting the lives of foster kids. In these situations, neither the child nor the mother have had their needs met, and a mom that does not have her needs met can't do her best job of meeting the needs of her kids. A mom who is still in the stage of trying to meet her own needs doesn't have the needs of her kids as her priority. A kid cannot grow up fast if the one responsible to nurture and set an example for him has not grown up. Don't make the mistake of seeing cockiness, disrespect or disobedience, or treating adults as peers as 'grown up.' The teenage girl who runs away, uses crack, or becomes a prostitute has not grown up. These are not the decisions that mature people make; they are the decisions that impulsive people make.

Abused or neglected kids do develop survival skills, but often make choices based upon immediate survival needs, without a thought for long term consequences. This is not acting 'grown up,' but instead is an immature decision-making habit. Survival skills such as stealing, manipulation, hostility, or clowning can actually be signs of intelligence, but that intelligence needs to be untwisted so that it can be used to make healthy, wise choices. Toddlers know how to get what they want, but this is not a sign of being grwon up. It is a sign of being smart enough to remember what works, and then to use it, again."

Mark's book is available from Amazon and other online book sellers.

Don't Panic! Adjust!

This bit of wisdom was one of the very first pieces of advice shared with us when Debbie and I began full-time residential work with teenagers. I still pass on this advice to new volunteers and staff as soon as they begin here at MYC. I still remind myself sometimes. Electricity goes out, vans break down, staff gets sick, and kids wander off. Snap decisions and immediate adjustments are expected. Panic never helps. Planning ahead and prayer are essential. Communication is critical. (What did we do before cell phones?) Kids or parents panic, but staff cannot. Creativity is crucial when there isn't a policy for a specific situation.

“Joey” was a second grade boy who was with a group of us on a trip to the Memphis Zoo. We had divided into three groups of two adults and eight MYC Club kids. It was a crowded day at the zoo and we made our usual numerous stops at the restrooms. While Debbie stayed a few feet away watching the elephants with the kids who didn't need the restroom, I waited by the restroom door for the kids who had gone in. My instructions to them were to come out to me as soon as they were finished. What we didn't know was that this particular restroom had another entrance on the other side of the building! “Joey” got turned around in the restroom and didn't come out with the others. After a short wait, I went into the restroom to find him but he was gone! I noticed the other entrance and went out but he wasn't there waiting for me either! Now it was time to fight the instinct to panic.

While I was searching through the crowd, my little group joined with Debbie and we put the rest of our group on a nearby merry-go round. All kinds of thoughts go through your mind in those seconds, but it would make things worse for the kids to see your fear, so distracting them with something fun and reassuring them that we would find “Joey” was our adjustment. We were already silently praying, and as soon as the kids were getting on the ride with Debbie, I started to look for him while I began to call our other groups. I hadn't even finished dialing when my phone rang. The group leader asked me if I knew that one of our kids wasn't with us. “Joey” had wandered away from the restroom and was crying, but had been spotted within a couple of minutes by our alert staffers. The crisis was over! I thank God for the answer to prayer, I thank the MYC staff for being vigilant, and from now on we will always escort our kids in and out of public restrooms!

Focus on Youth

This story is my Focus on Youth article for April 2009

“I just wanted to thank you for what you taught me and for being there for me!” “Charles” surprised us with a visit here at the Mission a couple of weeks ago. He was a teenager from Dyersburg who had lived with us at the New Life Youth Home from 1988 until 1990. Now well into his thirties, it's hard to imagine that he is older than we were when we filled the role of parents for him. He knew that he could find Debbie and me at the Mission and needed to talk to us. Like so many of our foster kids, Charles did not have a father in his life, and his mother had moved away, leaving him with his grandparents. They had provided him a place to stay but had not nurtured or mentored him, and in his own words to his grandmother recently, he said “You never really raised me”. She had left him to raise himself. This had naturally led to his making poor decisions, getting into some minor trouble, and skipping school. Eventually we were asked to take care of him, and he moved into our home. Charles responded well to living in a structured, loving environment in which expectations and support levels were high. He even made the honor roll at the high school! He had tried long visits with his mom and with his grandparents during his time with us but realized that he needed to be with us a little longer, and so he stayed with us until he was nearly 18 when before returning to his grandparents' home.

For most of the past 19 years, his life has been a mess. With no structure or accountability, he did what was convenient and came natural. This led to a bad marriage and divorce, drugs, jail time, violence, and serious health problems. When he was finally miserable enough and without hope of digging himself out of his mess, he turned to God. Now he is involved in church and a support group for addicts. He is growing in a relationship with God, upon whom he knows he can depend. There are consequences for his choices, such as damaged relationships, but he knows that he has been forgiven and that God has not abandoned him but has a purpose and plan for his life. He didn't come to us asking us to do something for him, as some do, but to let us know how God is helping him to go in a different direction and to simply thank us. There were thanks for caring for him, teaching him, and setting an example for him. From the role we had played in his life, he knew that we would listen to him, that we were genuinely interested, that our love was unconditional, and that we would be encouraging. Charles spent much of the day with us as we talked, listened, and prayed with him.
Sometimes people ask us if our work is successful. This is not an easy question to answer, because it depends so much upon priorities and the perception of success. If success is defined as Charles' going to college and becoming a leader in the community, then this is a failure. If success is defined as having a relationship that means being the one to whom he can turn and talk, or planting the seed in his heart that God created him and loves him, then this is a success. If success is defined as recognizing that you have messed up and knowing where to turn when you are desperate, then this is a success. Our work at the Mission Youth Center, just like it was at the Youth Home, always has been and always will be about building relationships and not just about the programs. We offer quality programs and events, but even more important, we offer quality relationships which point our kids to our awesome God.

Mark Loftin, Mission Youth Center Director
Mark is also the author of Front Line Observer, which is a book of stories about and lessons learned in our work with kids and families. Front Line Observer is available at local bookstores, on line, and at the Mission.

"Is anything happening at the gym today?" "Can we come hang out at the gym today?" A couple of kids from one of our families had already called me by 10 am on a Wednesday. School was out Tuesday and Wednesday because of the ice and snow. It wasn't the kind of snow that makes a snow day fun, and boredom was beginning to overcome the excitement. The roads were beginning to be clear enough for travel and the siblings were beginning to drive each other (and probably their mom) crazy. Mission Youth Center to the rescue! It's free! It's fun! There are always snacks! Rides provided! Your friends will be there! Once word got around that we were having a play day, I had as many kids as I thought I could manage and then some. A couple of our staff members came to help.

MYC has organized activities for our kids each school day and often during planned breaks from school. Some of the most fun times, however, and some of the best opportunities for building relationships with the kids come from these unplanned times. People are more important than programs and relationships are more important than following a planned agenda. These kids obviously need the boundaries and security that structure provides, but they also just need to have fun with us once in a while. It's good to know that they think of us when they want something to do or somewhere to go, and it's also good to know that the parents trust MYC to be a safe, supervised place to hang out. So, I postponed my errands and office work for the day and gave some kids the opportunity to burn off some energy with some friends and some adults who are crazy enough to spend time with them.