Revealing a Myth About Neglected Kids

The following is an excerpt from Chapter 2 of Mark's book, "Front Line Observer."

"Abused or neglected kids do NOT grow up fast. There is a common but destructive myth that says such kids grow up fast. Those of us who work or live with these kids know otherwise. Experiencing something that you should never have to experience, or that should come at a more mature stage is life does not produce maturity. Having adult responsibilities forced upon you too early does not make you into an adult. Instead, abused or neglected kids have teenage traits taken to the extreme as teens, or they still retain the traits of a younger child. The truth is that kids who do not have all of their needs met during each stage of their lives do not skip or grow our of these stages. Instead, these kids get emotionally stuck in these stages until these needs of each stage are met. These needs include a nurturing relationship with a mom AND a dad.

In particular, it has been made clear to us that the effect of a dad being gone, either through divorce or some other means, is usually the major factor affecting the lives of foster kids. In these situations, neither the child nor the mother have had their needs met, and a mom that does not have her needs met can't do her best job of meeting the needs of her kids. A mom who is still in the stage of trying to meet her own needs doesn't have the needs of her kids as her priority. A kid cannot grow up fast if the one responsible to nurture and set an example for him has not grown up. Don't make the mistake of seeing cockiness, disrespect or disobedience, or treating adults as peers as 'grown up.' The teenage girl who runs away, uses crack, or becomes a prostitute has not grown up. These are not the decisions that mature people make; they are the decisions that impulsive people make.

Abused or neglected kids do develop survival skills, but often make choices based upon immediate survival needs, without a thought for long term consequences. This is not acting 'grown up,' but instead is an immature decision-making habit. Survival skills such as stealing, manipulation, hostility, or clowning can actually be signs of intelligence, but that intelligence needs to be untwisted so that it can be used to make healthy, wise choices. Toddlers know how to get what they want, but this is not a sign of being grwon up. It is a sign of being smart enough to remember what works, and then to use it, again."

Mark's book is available from Amazon and other online book sellers.