“Xavier dared me to do it!” A 3rd -grade MYC Club member had stolen a teacher's glasses and had taken them to the bathroom, where they were stepped on and left broken on the floor. This was his excuse when we confronted him. He wasn't even angry with the teacher; it was all about a dare.
“You can't kick me out; I've been in Club longer than you!” This bit of twisted logic was from a teenage boy who was being suspended from Club for insubordination. In his mind, the fact that he had been involved at MYC for years prevented him from having to accept responsibility for his actions.
“My mama says if someone puts their hand on me, I have to hit them!” This classic was from a 2nd grade boy who had wanted to wrestle with one of our teenage volunteers. When the older boy playfully wrestled with him, the little boy slugged him with a fist. Yet he still asks our staff to spin him around or wrestle and refuses to see that we don't do this with him anymore because of his lack of self control.
We can come up with an excuse for anything. Lame attempts to deny responsibility for our choices began with, “The woman you made for me gave me the fruit,” and has continued through, “I inherited this bad economy!” and beyond. The “disappearing dads” of our single-parent kids give the kids excuses instead of support or protection. This refusal to accept responsibility is a major reason that the kids with whom we serve at MYC are at risk. The examples our kids see of blaming others instead of claiming ownership for actions come in a continuous stream from celebrities, government leaders, and even parents. Kid logic sounds funny in a story, but it is scary when so many adults who influence our kids never grow out of using it.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Birds Versus Evolution
Birds Versus Evolution
This month Debbie and I took a van full of MYC Club kids to Reelfoot Lake for our annual trip to see the “Save Our American Raptors” program. Reelfoot Lake is winter home for bald eagles and lots of other birds. At the Raptor program, the kids get to see hawks, owls, vultures, and eagles up close, and get to experience many of the birds flying so low over their heads that they feel the wind in their hair.
As each bird is introduced, the presenters tell and show us some amazing abilities that point us to an amazing creator. For example, an owl which can pinpoint the location of a mouse over a hundred yards away without even seeing it. The owl knows to turn it's head from side to side so that it can hear the mouse in each ear separately. Then it triangulates the exact location of the mouse by the sound in each ear and silently swoops in for a furry snack. Now I have to ask: How could this skill possibly have evolved? How could this species of owl have found food before it evolved to have this ability? Does the mama owl teach the babies how to do the geometry and calculate the distance to dinner? Of course not! The first owl must have been created with this instinct, and so there must be a Creator.
The black vulture was amazing, too. After laughing at it as it ran around the room between us, we learned about it's unique and disgusting defensive skill. The vulture uses projectile vomit to protect itself from danger while on the ground. I couldn't talk any of the kids into rushing at the vulture so it could demonstrate vulture vomit. No other creature apparently enjoys this either, so the vulture is protected while it dines on dead bodies. Again, I have to ask: How did the vulture protect itself before it evolved or discovered to ability to projectile vomit? Did one decide that it was tired of flying away from dinner whenever a predator approached and instead try to be so gross that nothing else would dare to approach? Of course not! Like the owl, the first vulture must have been created with this instinct. If this skill could have evolved, I'll bet that middle school boys would be enjoying this skill by now. The only logical conclusion is that there must be an amazing, wise, powerful Creator. To come up with the vulture, our Creator must also have a sense of humor!
This month Debbie and I took a van full of MYC Club kids to Reelfoot Lake for our annual trip to see the “Save Our American Raptors” program. Reelfoot Lake is winter home for bald eagles and lots of other birds. At the Raptor program, the kids get to see hawks, owls, vultures, and eagles up close, and get to experience many of the birds flying so low over their heads that they feel the wind in their hair.
As each bird is introduced, the presenters tell and show us some amazing abilities that point us to an amazing creator. For example, an owl which can pinpoint the location of a mouse over a hundred yards away without even seeing it. The owl knows to turn it's head from side to side so that it can hear the mouse in each ear separately. Then it triangulates the exact location of the mouse by the sound in each ear and silently swoops in for a furry snack. Now I have to ask: How could this skill possibly have evolved? How could this species of owl have found food before it evolved to have this ability? Does the mama owl teach the babies how to do the geometry and calculate the distance to dinner? Of course not! The first owl must have been created with this instinct, and so there must be a Creator.
The black vulture was amazing, too. After laughing at it as it ran around the room between us, we learned about it's unique and disgusting defensive skill. The vulture uses projectile vomit to protect itself from danger while on the ground. I couldn't talk any of the kids into rushing at the vulture so it could demonstrate vulture vomit. No other creature apparently enjoys this either, so the vulture is protected while it dines on dead bodies. Again, I have to ask: How did the vulture protect itself before it evolved or discovered to ability to projectile vomit? Did one decide that it was tired of flying away from dinner whenever a predator approached and instead try to be so gross that nothing else would dare to approach? Of course not! Like the owl, the first vulture must have been created with this instinct. If this skill could have evolved, I'll bet that middle school boys would be enjoying this skill by now. The only logical conclusion is that there must be an amazing, wise, powerful Creator. To come up with the vulture, our Creator must also have a sense of humor!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Where Do You Work?
Where Do You Work?
“Mr. Mark, where do you work?” It's a question I've heard a few times from the kids with whom Debbie and I have worked. One of the kids wanted to know this recently here at the Youth Center. You know, I've never needed to answer a question like this from an adult who knows about the MYC Club ministry or from the parents of our kids. As a matter of fact, a couple of our former foster kids, who now have kids of their own, have bravely asked, “Was I that bad when I was a kid?” (The answer is yes, and that they are getting their “paybacks”).
Apparently, at least some of the kids in Club cannot imagine that spending time with them here or on outside events could possibly qualify as work. Maybe I am enjoying myself too much. They don't see that since I spend my time here or with them, that this must be my work. The way I interpret this question, though, is to be glad that at least some of the kids understand that we enjoy what we do and enjoy being with them. It must show in how we treat them and how we act around them. We want them to feel accepted and loved, to know that we are glad they are here and like to be with them. After all, building relationships is the key to our ministry and it is hard to build a relationship if you are doing something you don't like with someone you don't like.
Of course, some of our times in Club are fun: like the kids, I like playing in the gym, going to camp or ballgames or canoeing, and I like eating snacks. I like having the power to decide to play a game of dodgeball when the boys have too much energy or are trash talking. Also of course, much of what I do can't really be called fun. It isn't fun to clean up messes, break up arguments, listen to whining, do paperwork, or to stay within a budget. It's the opposite of fun to tell a parent that their child will have to be on our waiting list or to see someone you care about make stupid choices that will cause pain to themselves and others. All in all, though, I like what I do and I'm glad that it shows.
When I talk to the high school students in our Youth Enterprises job program, I teach them that to enjoy lasting happiness and fulfillment, it is more important to choose a career you like than to make a job choice based upon how much money it pays. I would also like our kids to see that we can trust God to prepare a ministry for each of us that we enjoy, whether or not it is actually our “job.”
“Mr. Mark, where do you work?” It's a question I've heard a few times from the kids with whom Debbie and I have worked. One of the kids wanted to know this recently here at the Youth Center. You know, I've never needed to answer a question like this from an adult who knows about the MYC Club ministry or from the parents of our kids. As a matter of fact, a couple of our former foster kids, who now have kids of their own, have bravely asked, “Was I that bad when I was a kid?” (The answer is yes, and that they are getting their “paybacks”).
Apparently, at least some of the kids in Club cannot imagine that spending time with them here or on outside events could possibly qualify as work. Maybe I am enjoying myself too much. They don't see that since I spend my time here or with them, that this must be my work. The way I interpret this question, though, is to be glad that at least some of the kids understand that we enjoy what we do and enjoy being with them. It must show in how we treat them and how we act around them. We want them to feel accepted and loved, to know that we are glad they are here and like to be with them. After all, building relationships is the key to our ministry and it is hard to build a relationship if you are doing something you don't like with someone you don't like.
Of course, some of our times in Club are fun: like the kids, I like playing in the gym, going to camp or ballgames or canoeing, and I like eating snacks. I like having the power to decide to play a game of dodgeball when the boys have too much energy or are trash talking. Also of course, much of what I do can't really be called fun. It isn't fun to clean up messes, break up arguments, listen to whining, do paperwork, or to stay within a budget. It's the opposite of fun to tell a parent that their child will have to be on our waiting list or to see someone you care about make stupid choices that will cause pain to themselves and others. All in all, though, I like what I do and I'm glad that it shows.
When I talk to the high school students in our Youth Enterprises job program, I teach them that to enjoy lasting happiness and fulfillment, it is more important to choose a career you like than to make a job choice based upon how much money it pays. I would also like our kids to see that we can trust God to prepare a ministry for each of us that we enjoy, whether or not it is actually our “job.”
Monday, January 4, 2010
Who Do You Trust?
"Will you open up a bank account with me?" "Will you put your name on my bank account?" Three of the high school boys in MYC Club have asked me these questions. They have all been in MYC Club, our Youth Enterprises business for kids, and our small Boy Scout troop. I didn't even need to ask why they were coming to me to help them with their banking, but they told me anyway. These boys needed an adult's name on their bank account but didn't want to ask a parent. This is because they each knew that they couldn't trust their own parents with access to the money these boys had earned working at Youth Enterprises. They were afraid that mom or dad would get the money out of the bank for themselves and leave them with nothing. Some of the kids who had lived with us at the New Life Youth Home had felt and expressed the same thing.
So, again, my name is on a few savings accounts. (Not checking accounts; I may be crazy but I'm not stupid!) I don't mind doing this for the boys, but I do mind needing to do it just because kids can't trust parents. It is a scary thing to know that your parents are so selfish and immature that they will put their own desires for cigarettes or alcohol or whatever else over what you need or have earned. The consequenses of this self-centered style of "parenting" can be long-lasting and far-reaching. If you can't trust your own parents to be honest or to practice self control or to think of the needs of those for whom they are supposed to be responsible, it is very hard to trust other people or even to trust God. It doesn't even stop there; it could affect future relationships for these boys, such as with a wife or kids. The unwilingness to resist temptation or delay gratification even at the expense of others by someone who is supposed to nuture you and set an example for you can be a hard legacy to overcome.
In my experience with kids, seeing parents who use their kids to meet the needs of the parents is one of the most disgusting acts of arrogance I have encountered. It's a lot like having a government leader who believes you are there to meet his needs, instead of the government protecting and meeting the needs of the people, and so then takes whatever it wants from the people in order to do what he wants. (Wait a minute! Isn't that happening a lot around here lately?) The disgust, disrespect, and distrust we feel toward our government when it takes our money for thing we don't need must be a lot like how these kids feel toward their parents. Unfortunately, you can't vote your parents out of office!
So, again, my name is on a few savings accounts. (Not checking accounts; I may be crazy but I'm not stupid!) I don't mind doing this for the boys, but I do mind needing to do it just because kids can't trust parents. It is a scary thing to know that your parents are so selfish and immature that they will put their own desires for cigarettes or alcohol or whatever else over what you need or have earned. The consequenses of this self-centered style of "parenting" can be long-lasting and far-reaching. If you can't trust your own parents to be honest or to practice self control or to think of the needs of those for whom they are supposed to be responsible, it is very hard to trust other people or even to trust God. It doesn't even stop there; it could affect future relationships for these boys, such as with a wife or kids. The unwilingness to resist temptation or delay gratification even at the expense of others by someone who is supposed to nuture you and set an example for you can be a hard legacy to overcome.
In my experience with kids, seeing parents who use their kids to meet the needs of the parents is one of the most disgusting acts of arrogance I have encountered. It's a lot like having a government leader who believes you are there to meet his needs, instead of the government protecting and meeting the needs of the people, and so then takes whatever it wants from the people in order to do what he wants. (Wait a minute! Isn't that happening a lot around here lately?) The disgust, disrespect, and distrust we feel toward our government when it takes our money for thing we don't need must be a lot like how these kids feel toward their parents. Unfortunately, you can't vote your parents out of office!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Will You Take Me Home and Adopt Me?
Will You Take Me Home and Adopt Me?
It was time to take the kids home from High School Club. She said, “Mr. Mark, I don't want you to take me to my dad's house! I want you and Ms. Debbie to take me home and adopt me!”
Assuming she was kidding, I answered, “You wouldn't like my rules and you'd miss your brothers!” Her response was, “I'm serious! My dad never does anything for me and my step mom is mean!”
This is not an extremely unusual or even a very surprising conversation to have with one of our club kids or, in the past, with one of our foster kids. Debbie and I have, of course, adopted our daughters, had custody of another girl, and have considered and discussed adoption with a couple of others. Others on staff here at the Mission Youth Center or at camp have had similar questions from some of the kids with whom they have built relationships. At this time, one of our club members who was abandoned by his parents is living with one of the members of our MYC staff. During our 19 years of living with teenagers at the group home, over a dozen kids had brought up the subject.
Why do our kids have these thoughts and bring up this idea? It isn't because any of us are rich, and Debbie and I have firm rules. We don't spoil our kids. (Well, maybe we spoil our grandkids a little with time and affection.) It's probably natural for kids to fantasize at some time or another that there are “greener pastures” somewhere with another family. However, in talking to these kids, it is clear that there is often something deeper going on than being mad about getting grounded or not getting the latest cell phone. These kids see the love for each other shared by the married couples who minister at MYC. They see our love for our families and our commitment to each other. They see that we trust each other and that they can trust us. They see that real love is unconditional, that real love is a choice and not just a feeling, and that real men take care of their kids. They see parents who sacrifice for their kids. Unfortunately, the reality is that very few of our kids see much of the kind of parenting taught in the Bible in their own families or in their community. We are glad for the opportunity to show love to these kids and hope that our example will encourage them to break the cycle of unmarried parents and single parents in their generation.
I'm issuing this challenge to all parents: Your kids need BOTH of you!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Revealing a Myth About Neglected Kids
The following is an excerpt from Chapter 2 of Mark's book, "Front Line Observer."
"Abused or neglected kids do NOT grow up fast. There is a common but destructive myth that says such kids grow up fast. Those of us who work or live with these kids know otherwise. Experiencing something that you should never have to experience, or that should come at a more mature stage is life does not produce maturity. Having adult responsibilities forced upon you too early does not make you into an adult. Instead, abused or neglected kids have teenage traits taken to the extreme as teens, or they still retain the traits of a younger child. The truth is that kids who do not have all of their needs met during each stage of their lives do not skip or grow our of these stages. Instead, these kids get emotionally stuck in these stages until these needs of each stage are met. These needs include a nurturing relationship with a mom AND a dad.
In particular, it has been made clear to us that the effect of a dad being gone, either through divorce or some other means, is usually the major factor affecting the lives of foster kids. In these situations, neither the child nor the mother have had their needs met, and a mom that does not have her needs met can't do her best job of meeting the needs of her kids. A mom who is still in the stage of trying to meet her own needs doesn't have the needs of her kids as her priority. A kid cannot grow up fast if the one responsible to nurture and set an example for him has not grown up. Don't make the mistake of seeing cockiness, disrespect or disobedience, or treating adults as peers as 'grown up.' The teenage girl who runs away, uses crack, or becomes a prostitute has not grown up. These are not the decisions that mature people make; they are the decisions that impulsive people make.
Abused or neglected kids do develop survival skills, but often make choices based upon immediate survival needs, without a thought for long term consequences. This is not acting 'grown up,' but instead is an immature decision-making habit. Survival skills such as stealing, manipulation, hostility, or clowning can actually be signs of intelligence, but that intelligence needs to be untwisted so that it can be used to make healthy, wise choices. Toddlers know how to get what they want, but this is not a sign of being grwon up. It is a sign of being smart enough to remember what works, and then to use it, again."
Mark's book is available from Amazon and other online book sellers.
"Abused or neglected kids do NOT grow up fast. There is a common but destructive myth that says such kids grow up fast. Those of us who work or live with these kids know otherwise. Experiencing something that you should never have to experience, or that should come at a more mature stage is life does not produce maturity. Having adult responsibilities forced upon you too early does not make you into an adult. Instead, abused or neglected kids have teenage traits taken to the extreme as teens, or they still retain the traits of a younger child. The truth is that kids who do not have all of their needs met during each stage of their lives do not skip or grow our of these stages. Instead, these kids get emotionally stuck in these stages until these needs of each stage are met. These needs include a nurturing relationship with a mom AND a dad.
In particular, it has been made clear to us that the effect of a dad being gone, either through divorce or some other means, is usually the major factor affecting the lives of foster kids. In these situations, neither the child nor the mother have had their needs met, and a mom that does not have her needs met can't do her best job of meeting the needs of her kids. A mom who is still in the stage of trying to meet her own needs doesn't have the needs of her kids as her priority. A kid cannot grow up fast if the one responsible to nurture and set an example for him has not grown up. Don't make the mistake of seeing cockiness, disrespect or disobedience, or treating adults as peers as 'grown up.' The teenage girl who runs away, uses crack, or becomes a prostitute has not grown up. These are not the decisions that mature people make; they are the decisions that impulsive people make.
Abused or neglected kids do develop survival skills, but often make choices based upon immediate survival needs, without a thought for long term consequences. This is not acting 'grown up,' but instead is an immature decision-making habit. Survival skills such as stealing, manipulation, hostility, or clowning can actually be signs of intelligence, but that intelligence needs to be untwisted so that it can be used to make healthy, wise choices. Toddlers know how to get what they want, but this is not a sign of being grwon up. It is a sign of being smart enough to remember what works, and then to use it, again."
Mark's book is available from Amazon and other online book sellers.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Don't Panic! Adjust!
This bit of wisdom was one of the very first pieces of advice shared with us when Debbie and I began full-time residential work with teenagers. I still pass on this advice to new volunteers and staff as soon as they begin here at MYC. I still remind myself sometimes. Electricity goes out, vans break down, staff gets sick, and kids wander off. Snap decisions and immediate adjustments are expected. Panic never helps. Planning ahead and prayer are essential. Communication is critical. (What did we do before cell phones?) Kids or parents panic, but staff cannot. Creativity is crucial when there isn't a policy for a specific situation.
“Joey” was a second grade boy who was with a group of us on a trip to the Memphis Zoo. We had divided into three groups of two adults and eight MYC Club kids. It was a crowded day at the zoo and we made our usual numerous stops at the restrooms. While Debbie stayed a few feet away watching the elephants with the kids who didn't need the restroom, I waited by the restroom door for the kids who had gone in. My instructions to them were to come out to me as soon as they were finished. What we didn't know was that this particular restroom had another entrance on the other side of the building! “Joey” got turned around in the restroom and didn't come out with the others. After a short wait, I went into the restroom to find him but he was gone! I noticed the other entrance and went out but he wasn't there waiting for me either! Now it was time to fight the instinct to panic.
While I was searching through the crowd, my little group joined with Debbie and we put the rest of our group on a nearby merry-go round. All kinds of thoughts go through your mind in those seconds, but it would make things worse for the kids to see your fear, so distracting them with something fun and reassuring them that we would find “Joey” was our adjustment. We were already silently praying, and as soon as the kids were getting on the ride with Debbie, I started to look for him while I began to call our other groups. I hadn't even finished dialing when my phone rang. The group leader asked me if I knew that one of our kids wasn't with us. “Joey” had wandered away from the restroom and was crying, but had been spotted within a couple of minutes by our alert staffers. The crisis was over! I thank God for the answer to prayer, I thank the MYC staff for being vigilant, and from now on we will always escort our kids in and out of public restrooms!
“Joey” was a second grade boy who was with a group of us on a trip to the Memphis Zoo. We had divided into three groups of two adults and eight MYC Club kids. It was a crowded day at the zoo and we made our usual numerous stops at the restrooms. While Debbie stayed a few feet away watching the elephants with the kids who didn't need the restroom, I waited by the restroom door for the kids who had gone in. My instructions to them were to come out to me as soon as they were finished. What we didn't know was that this particular restroom had another entrance on the other side of the building! “Joey” got turned around in the restroom and didn't come out with the others. After a short wait, I went into the restroom to find him but he was gone! I noticed the other entrance and went out but he wasn't there waiting for me either! Now it was time to fight the instinct to panic.
While I was searching through the crowd, my little group joined with Debbie and we put the rest of our group on a nearby merry-go round. All kinds of thoughts go through your mind in those seconds, but it would make things worse for the kids to see your fear, so distracting them with something fun and reassuring them that we would find “Joey” was our adjustment. We were already silently praying, and as soon as the kids were getting on the ride with Debbie, I started to look for him while I began to call our other groups. I hadn't even finished dialing when my phone rang. The group leader asked me if I knew that one of our kids wasn't with us. “Joey” had wandered away from the restroom and was crying, but had been spotted within a couple of minutes by our alert staffers. The crisis was over! I thank God for the answer to prayer, I thank the MYC staff for being vigilant, and from now on we will always escort our kids in and out of public restrooms!
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