Just Wait Until Your Uncle Gets Home!

Wait Until Your Uncle Gets Home!

It seems like I hear more of our MYC Club kids talk about their uncles than about their dads.

It's been clear to me for many years now that the most common cause of pain to the at-risk kids with whom we work is the lack of a father in the home or in the lives of our kids. If you haven't already read my book “Front Line Observer, please give it a look if you would like to understand more about this sad epidemic. What I've begun to notice recently is who are the most common replacements for permanent male relationships with these kids. It may not be who you think. The substitute dad isn't the grandpa, step dad, mom's boyfriend, or even a brother, although I've seen some exceptions. From what I have seen, it looks like the most common, most permanent male relationship these kids have is with a maternal uncle or otherwise possibly an older brother. Like the biological “fathers” of these kids, the grandfathers, step dads, and mom's boyfriends or temporary live-in “fiance” are only temporary and often negative relationships in the lives of these kids. The male relatives on the father's side often drop out of the relationship along with the father, and the grandfather often was not a good example to his own son. True, many of our kids have step brothers or half brothers, but they also are too often a temporary relationship or a poor example. The males that we have remaining in these kids' lives tend to be mom's brother or half brother, or maybe a brother who has the same mom but often a different dad.

So, you may respond, at least there is a male role model in the home in the form of mom's brother or an older sibling. The fact is, though, that this relationship doesn't usually meet the needs of the child and is more often just another poor role model. Remember: he came from the same incomplete family and so he wasn't mentored by a good male role model himself. If mom's younger brother lives with her, then he is often immature and unwilling or incapable of being responsible for himself, much less for a needy and impressionable niece or nephew. An older sibling often has simply gone further down the wrong path. At least, because he is a blood relative on the mom's side, the relationship tends more toward being permanent. What I have noticed, however, is that these guys way too often tend to be unemployed, in legal trouble or in a gang, have perverted attitudes, or have gotten another girl pregnant themselves. For an extreme example, one of the young men in a family with whom we work was recently murdered at home by his own maternal uncle, who had recently gotten out of prison. Some of the moms I know have gotten into legal trouble or have lost their homes due to the behavior of a brother who mooches off of them. Other moms have gotten into trouble because of their loyalty to their own kids or to the the overgrown children who got them pregnant.

So, you may feel that this trend is no big deal or that it's a permanent part of our culture now. Maybe these kids should just get past the fact that their dads have disappeared. They can learn about life from teachers or older guys in the neighborhood and the government pays for their home and food. What's the problem? The problem is that there are severe consequences to our kids and to our culture. We who know, love, and serve these kids see anger, violence, school failure, dangerous behavior, problems bonding or trusting, disrespect to women and authority, selfishness, irresponsibility, and attention-seeking behavior, just to identify a few of the consequences. We have too many boys who seem to believe that they are only good for fighting or for getting girls pregnant. Society doesn't teach them this twisted view. They learn this from their “dads” and from their moms who tolerate and encourage immature behavior by the dads.

Uncles and older brothers can't completely take the place of dads. Neither can we here at MYC with a few hours each week with our kids. What we can do here is to have men and married couples on staff. We are trying to step in and step up, and I challenge the other men in our community to do so. Every mom should be able to say, “Just wait until your father gets home!”